Red Snatch Page 3

  "Hannah, have those three ever gone undercover like this before?" I asked, walking next to Katarina.

  Looking at them she sighed and said, "No, I suppose they aren't being very discrete, are they?"

  "No, I think it's pretty obvious what they are doing," I replied.

  "Bror, Reha, and Grant," Katarina called to her three guards. "Get over here for a minute."

  She stopped and waited for the three to come up next to her. I caught her actually roll her eyes when Grant saluted her.

  "You three need to be more discrete," Katarina hissed to them. "No circling like vultures. No brandishing weapons at everyone that comes near. And no saluting. We are undercover on this mission, and you need to act like regular sailors, not my bodyguards."

  "Yes, Lady Katarina," Reha said in response.

  "And another thing," Katarina said sighing, "You are to call me Hannah on this mission, not Lady Katarina. I am just another person that's going to be on this ship. If you must act protective of me, act like you're my older siblings, not bodyguards."

  "It will be as you say La...Hannah," Reha said, catching herself before she made the same mistake again.

  "Thank you," Katarina said and gestured for me to continue walking. "I know this isn't something that is normally asked of you, but I chose you three specifically for this critical mission, because I believe you can handle it."

  "Speaking of this critical mission," I stated, feeling a little more confident we had a chance of making it out of Istria before Katarina's cover was blown. "Where in these Isles do you want to head first?"

  "The best place to start would be to head to Grafbel," Katarina said after a short hesitation. "If anything is going on in the isles there is someone in that town that is bound to know about it."

  "So, this Grafbel, is that where the governor governs from?" I asked, curious about these islands I knew almost nothing about.

  Katarina let out a small laugh and said, "Heavens no. The seat of government is Alawater Port. Grafbel is more of a haven for pirates as well as those that wish to live outside of the law. It's not usually a place where an upstanding citizen would travel."

  "Then why are we going there and not Alawater Port?" I asked her.

  "Because it will be nearly impossible to get information that implicates the governor out of anyone in Alawater Port," Katarina answered. "The citizens there are fiercely loyal to him, and we would likely make ourselves targets. Aside from that, the chances of my being discovered would go up substantially around that many government servants."

  "That makes sense," I said as we rounded the corner to the docks.

  "We'll need to establish ourselves as pirates before going to Grafbel. Unfortunately, that means we will have to raid a ship or two," Katarina said grimacing. "If we don't have something to sell and rumors of our exploits, the locals in Grafbel will be deeply suspicious of us."

  "You don't look like you like the idea of this," I said having noticed the expression on her lower face.

  "I do not," she stated. "I'm a Governor of Altria. I establish and uphold laws to protect the people. I don't usually go about breaking them and robbing ships. I swear that once this is finished, I will personally make sure the state pays back all those we rob with interest."

  When she said this, there was a fierceness on her face that I'd only seen once before when she lectured Sergent Kofford. If nothing else, I was discovering today that Katarina Amarion was someone that took her duty to her country very seriously.

  Getting closer to the Albatross I began to hear the boisterous voice of Eldertits drifting out over the docks.

  "For the last time, you are to address me as Red Snatch or Captain Titties," she yelled at someone up on deck with her. "Red Snatch is a pirate empress, not this Eldertits. Do you want to end up like Timmy, Gerald?"

  "No ma'am, I mean no Red Snatch ma'am," Gerald stuttered out.

  "Good. Now go polish the dick one more time," Eldertits said.

  Reaching the ramp to the ship, I saw that our barbarian was now dressed in an elaborate pirate outfit, which was just typical of her. A wide-brimmed black hat tilting to one side with a plume on the other was on top of her head. A small blade was actually stuck into the middle of the wide brim. Under a long black jacket, she wore a corset, tight trousers tucked into high black boots with a red sash over her waist.

  Stopping halfway across the ramp, Katarina turned to me and said, "You made the retarded elf captain?"

  Smiling, though a little embarrassed, I replied, "It makes her happy, and we try to be kind to the less fortunate in our clan."

  "I think I'm already regretting this decision," she muttered, walking onto the ship.

  "Ahoy there mateys," Eldertits said to us, clearly enjoying herself. "Welcome aboard the Analizer."

  "The Analizer?" I asked, trying not to cringe in front of Katarina. "What happened to the Albatross?"

  "That name sucked, so I changed it," Eldertits said smiling. "I've already painted the new name on the back. I've also replaced the old figurehead with a much more appropriate one."

  As she said this, she motioned to the front of the ship where a giant, erect wooden penis was mounted. Gerald was currently polishing the tip, and I closed my eyes momentarily just waiting for the explosion I was sure was going to come from Katarina.

  "Please," a voice croaked from somewhere up above us, "help me."

  Looking up, I found a man tied upside down to the mast about twenty feet in the air.

  "Pray tell, what is that?" Katarina said looking up at him.

  "That," Eldertits said flashing a wicked grin at us, "is a lesson. Little Timmy there decided to try to kill me in the middle of the night, so I left him there just in case anyone else gets any mutinous ideas."

  "I see," Katarina said stiffly. "Well, I suppose it keeps the crew in line."

  "Tits, this is Hannah by the way," I said so as to make sure the elf didn't accidentally call Katarina by her real name. "The other three are Bror, Reha, and Grant."

  "It's a pleasure to have you join my crew," Eldertits said, taking her hat off and bowing with a flourish. "In fact, I insist that you four stay in the captain's cabin with Ryland and I."

  "That's quite generous of you," Katarina said with just a touch of sarcasm. "Sharing a cabin with only five other people, it's going to feel like I'm living in luxury."

  "It's true, you are quite lucky," Eldertits said. Leaning in close to the woman, and mock whispering in her ear, she added, "I've assigned the black and the elf over there to share a small hammock in the hull. It's really only big enough for a halfling, but I'm sure they'll enjoy being so close at night."

  Elaria rolled her eyes in response to hearing this and walked swiftly to the other end of the deck. Rondo shrugged and followed after her but didn't actually look displeased at hearing about his sleeping arrangements.

  "Why don't you just show us to our quarters and then we can set sail," Katarina said.

  "Of course, right this way," Eldertits said, walking over to the captain's cabin and opening the door.

  The inside was surprisingly larger than I thought it would be. The window on the back wall let in plenty of natural sunlight, and a small circular table sat in the middle of the room while a simple twin bed was up against the wall on the right side.

  "Unfortunately, there is only the one bed, and as the captain, I have dibs," she said smiling at the rest of us.

  "That won't be a problem," Katarina responded, resting her hand on the table in the middle of the room. "Bror, Grant, would you set us up on the left side of the room please."

  The two men walked forward and began pulling a huge assortment of items out of their inventories. Once they were done pulling items out, they began assembling them, and to my amazement, a small four-poster bed, complete with curtains, took shape. Once they were finished with that, they put together a dressing table with a mirror and cushioned stool as well.

  In response to this, I arched my eyebrow at Katarina. Was thi
s really how she planned on traveling?

  "What?" Katarina asked, noticing the look on my face. "I said I was going undercover. I didn't say I was going to be a barbarian." Then looking over at Tits she added, "No offense."

  "I didn't say anything," I replied quickly. "The bed and the dresser make a lovely addition to the room."

  "Let's just get underway," Katarina said, walking out of the cabin and back onto the deck.

  The rest of us followed her back out onto the deck where Eldertits yelled, "Mr. Smee, get us underway."

  "Who the hell is Mr. Smee?" I asked, looking around and found that my question was answered a moment later by Calm Grimshaw heading to wheel and barking orders at the crew.

  "I renamed the former captain," Eldertits said. "His name didn't feel piratey enough to me."

  "Calm Grimshaw?" I asked. "That's about the most pirate-sounding name I've ever heard."

  "Well, Mr. Smee is more fun, and he doesn't seem to mind," Tits said shrugging. "We make for the Saunora Isles, Mr. Smee."

  "Aye Red Snatch," Calm Grimshaw responded. "It will be as you say."

  "And another thing," I started, "what is up with this Red Snatch title? I got a notification about it this morning."

  "You like it?" she asked. "I thought of it myself."

  "I don't really get it," I replied.

  "Oh, come on, think Ryland," Eldertits said.

  "Seriously, nothing is coming to mind," I said shrugging.

  "All pirates have nice pirate titles like Blackbeard. Since I don't have any facial hair, I went for the next best thing," Eldertits said winking at me.

  I stood there for a minute letting this sink in and finally said, "Of course that's what you were going for."

  I sighed, shaking my head. Only Eldertits would want to give herself a title like that. Letting her be the captain was probably a big mistake, but it was too late now.

  The actual sailors, under the guidance of Calm Grimshaw, worked the ship away from the dock, steering it clear of the boats near us until we were in open water and heading out of the Harbor of Istria. Thank God we got almost half the crew to stay, because I don't think anyone in my clan would have had a clue how to do this.

  After a few minutes, the sail was unfurled, and we really got underway. The wind whipped pleasantly at my face, and the exhilaration of moving fast over the water hit me. This was something I always got when riding on a bass boat, but it worked much the same way on this pirate ship. It was just a feeling of unbelievable freedom.

  "Now this be the life, Mr. Ryland," Eldertits said, stepping up next to me and clapping me on the shoulder. "The wind at me back, a sturdy deck under me feet, and a hard cock in me hand."

  "Yeah, I can almost see why people took up piracy," I replied, and then thinking more about what she said, I added, "Wait, what?"

  Looking over at her, I could see that she somehow had strapped on a giant glass dildo over her pants and was gripping it near the base by one hand. The most surprising thing, besides the fact that she was wearing it, was the artistic detail on the thing. It was easily two feet long, blue veins running along its glass surface all the way down to balls at the bottom.

  "Tits, where the hell did you get that, and why did you get it?" I asked, not sure I even wanted to know the answer.

  "I ordered it custom made from a glassblower in the city," Eldertits answered happily. "I'd said he's really blows a great dick, wouldn't you?"

  "Okay?" I responded.

  "The harness is a custom leather piece I had made to hold it in place," she continued. "They were pretty expensive, but I think you'll agree that the end result was well worth it."

  "And why do you need a two-foot glass dildo?" I asked.

  "I would have thought that was obvious," Eldertits said, leaning over toward my ear. "For my personal pleasure. That, and I can't have a pirate crew called the Butt Pirates without a penis of me own."

  "You named the crew the Butt Pirates?" I asked, pinching my eyes together and sighing.

  "You'd better believe it," she replied happily. "In fact, I think it's time to officially ordain the crew. Everyone, come over here and line up."

  The pirates that were working on sails stopped and began walking over towards Eldertits, as did the new members of our clan. Rondo and Elaria hung back while Katarina stood next to us frowning.

  One by one Eldertits went through having each member of the crew kneel before her. She then took her glass strap on and tapped them on each of their shoulders, dubbing them a Butt Pirate.

  After she finished with those that lined up in front of her, she barked at me to get "ordained" as well, and with a sigh, I kneeled down in front of her.

  Tapping me on each of my shoulders with the obnoxiously erect penis, she said loudly, "I, Red Snatch, dub thee, Ryland, a Butt Pirate."

  My face went red, and I gritted my teeth, but the humiliation was soon over, and I stood up trying not to make eye contact with anyone else.

  "Alright, Rondo, get over here. It's your turn," Tits called over to our rogue.

  "There's no way in hell I'm letting you touch me with that or dub me a Butt Pirate," Rondo replied.

  "You either be a Butt Pirate or Shark food, Mr. Rondo," Eldertits said eyeing him mischievously. "Now, will we be sending you to Davy Jones' Locker or be ye a Butt Pirate?"

  Clenching and unclenching his fist, Rondo slowly dragged himself over to her and muttered, "I be a Butt Pirate."

  Gripping the glass cock by the base, she repeatedly thunked it on top of his head while saying extremely slowly, "I...Red...Snatch...dub...thee...Midnight...Rondo...a...Butt...Pirate."

  "I'm going to drown you before we reach these damn islands," Rondo muttered, standing up and retreating quickly.

  "Now, I think that it's Elaria's turn," Tits said, flashing a creepy smile at the other elf.

  "Try to touch me with that ridiculous thing, and I will impale you on it," Elaria said flatly, glaring over at the other elf.

  "Alright then, I guess it's Hannah's turn," Tits said quickly.

  "I'm afraid I'm going to have to stand in solidarity with Elaria," Katarina said calmly. "There are so few of us women on this ship that we must stand together, but I'm sure Bror and Grant would love to be ordained."

  For a split second I could have sworn I saw a smirk on the noble lady's face, but it quickly vanished. Did the serious governess of northern Altria have a mischievous side?

  "Fine then, I suppose it is hard for ye cockless lasses to be Butt Pirates," Eldertits said, motioning with the dick at the two scowling bodyguards. "Still, we'll all call ye honorable Butt Pirates."

  Finishing the last two members of our new crew of Butt Pirates, Eldertits smiled, pointed her dick, and said "Full speed ahead Mr. Smee. Man, I feel so powerful holding this thing, no wonder you men are always grabbing your dicks."

  "Please tell me you aren't planning on wearing that the whole time," I said.

  "Nah, my doctor won't let me keep this erection for more than four hours," Eldertits responded. "He says it's bad for my health."

  "Captain Titties," Gerald said running up to her. "We reached the edge of Istrian waters."

  "Very good, Gerald," Eldertits replied. "Please raise the standard then."

  "I don't think my heart can take any more surprises of your's," I said.

  "What kind of pirates would we be without a flag?" Eldertits asked as Gerald began raising the flag.

  When the wind caught it, I could see that it was a black flag with two skeletons on it. A female skeleton with red hair, lipstick, and a suspiciously red triangle over her pubis bone was behind another skeleton that was on all fours in front of her. Above this, in white words, "Butt Pirates" was written.

  Turning slowly, I caught one of Katarina's eyes underneath her hood. In this moment I knew one thing, I was a dead man walking.

  Chapter Three: Raiders

  The open ocean was a bit disconcerting. In every direction, as far as the eye could see, was water and nothing els
e. I really had no idea how Grimshaw could navigate, but the man seemed confident enough the couple times I spoke with him.

  Things settled down after the initial excitement of the launch, and the first couple days of our journey went by quietly. Katarina spent most of the time angrily shut in the captain's cabin. She made it very clear she in no way approved of "my decision" to make Eldertits captain.

  With the lady sulking, I spent a large portion of my time relaxing and enjoying the calming ocean breeze. Grimshaw took it upon himself to teach us a few tricks about sailing but none of us were picking up on it too well. Eldertits, in particular, loved the idea of being a pirate but couldn't seem to care less about the sailing aspect of it.

  A couple of days passed at sea where we didn't even see another ship. Nothing puts into perspective quite how big the world is until you sail on a ship for two days without seeing anything but open water.

  When we finally saw a ship, we apparently weren't too far from the Saunora Isles. Grimshaw assured us that the ship, which was a tiny speck in the distance, was much larger than we were.

  "What do you see, Timmy?" Eldertits yelled up the mast to still upside-down man.

  Timmy opened his mouth to respond, but instead of words coming out, a small trickle of vomit fell down splatting at Tits' feet.

  "Gerald, clean this up, would you?" Tits said sighing. "Timmy, I'll tell you what, if you cooperate with me, I'll free you once we reach Grafbel. Now let's try this again. What do you see?"

  "Ahhh," Timmy responded sounding stupid. "I see a ship."

  "Yes, we all see a ship," Eldertits replied. "Now tell me details about the ship, Timmy."

  "It's big," Timmy said.

  Eldertits quietly muttered under her breath, "I'm going to tie him to the anchor in a minute."

  "Three masts and tall," Timmy continued, squinting out at it in the distance.

  To be fair to the poor man, considering he was upside down, it probably wasn't easy, even from his height,

  After a silence settled for a minute, he said, "I think it's a carrack."